


Willingness

by jollywriter



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Closure, F/F, Forgiveness, Reconciliation, hurt comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:14:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24822181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jollywriter/pseuds/jollywriter
Summary: just a quick and sloppy fix it fic because I finished the game and am emotionally bankrupt and HAVE to fix this after playing THAT. Sorry it's so messy, it's been a long time since I did any fic. I hope you enjoy it!
Relationships: Dina & Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 46
Kudos: 509





	Willingness

Ellie pushed the tree branch to the side, and stepped into the small hollow in the trail. The trees parted as they sloped on down towards the valley floor to give an unobstructed view of the other side.

Jackson was on the other side, for the most part. Plains that stretched far and away behind it, the river that ran nearby. She could hear the waterfall, even though it was a long way off yet.

Her left hand ached. The wounds were closed, and they were scarring, but it was still painful. They had not been removed cleanly.

Memories flared, and her body twitched, muscles remembering dodges, heavy fisted impacts, the water around her knees, Abby’s teeth—

She shook it off, swatted at the tree, and took a few steps forward.

Her decision remained unmade.

The farmhouse had been empty. Ellie imagined a lot of things as she made the approach. Dina waiting, happy to see her.

Impossible, the most guilty imagining she had.

Someone else standing on that porch. Anyone in town, frankly, drinking a cup of water or knocking back a cold beer, utterly content being on the farm.

Ring on a finger—

Ellie shook that off, too, and looked around. She could follow the trail back up towards the first overlook. It was empty, but it had been checked recently. She’d have some time alone for a couple of days.

She didn’t want to head in yet. She wanted to find Dina, look her in the eye.

Ellie’s two remaining fingers touched the bracelet Dina gave her the second day in Seattle.

She thought about throwing it away. Crossing the mountains the second time, she considered.

She didn’t. It was up to Dina, if she kept it or not.

Ellie took a seat on a felled log nearby. It had been half-claimed by the ground and undergrowth, the bark had long been stripped away.

She stared at Jackson. She could sneak in, there was still probably that gap in the uneven wall on the south side.

She didn’t want to _see_ anybody. She didn’t know how to explain. Least of all to Tommy.

Ellie was torn on hating him. She’d been trying, out here with Dina. God she’d tried, she’d worked with the animals, she did her chorin’, she danced with Dina every chance she had.

She _tried_ , she’d put her heart into trying to heal out here. But the wound hadn’t closed.

Live wound won’t scab. Scar over. Heal.

She’d been dangerous, her tremors had upset little JJ more than once. Ellie’s eyes stung. She wondered how big he’d gotten. She wondered if he’d recognize her.

Her hand went to her side, where the tree had punctured her.

She stared at the front gate.

The sun was on its way towards the horizon. A cool breeze blew off the mountains. There’d be a dusting of snow tonight. She didn’t know when the instinct came, but she’d seen Joel look to the hills enough to recognize the signs.

She stood up. Hitched her pack, and started walking.

#

“Hold there!” A man’s voice hollered at her from the top of the gate.

Ellie held up. She didn’t recognize him.

“State your business.”

“I used to live here,” she said. “I’m Ellie.”

“Ellie?” Someone else called nearby, a young un’, and she looked up to see Andrew. Snotty little kid who’d thrown a snowball at her before she’d went on patrol with Dina all that time ago.

Before everything.

“Andrew, that you?”

“Ellie! Open the gate, open up man!”

The gate groaned, and four men worked at pulling the huge gate open.

Ellie walked. Andrew rushed out; he was taller than she remembered, lanky as ever, but _fast_ , real fast.

“Heya,” she smiled, it felt wooden. He half-tackled her.

“It’s been a long time! We had no idea if you were coming back.”

“Is that right?” Ellie’s legs were shaky, she tried to keep from falling.

“Are you hungry? Maria’s in the diner. You should go see her!”

“Yeah,” Ellie hesitated. “Yeah, okay.”

She passed through the gate. It groaned as they shoved it closed and locked it down behind them. The stables were off to the right, the storehouse to the left. She headed that way to turn in her weapons.

It was awkward, being unarmed. She’d carried that rifle and bow halfway across the country and back, twice.

And for what?

Andrew shadowed her while she handed over the long-guns.

“Anyone new in town?” She asked.

“Some new folks. Traders are here, actually. It’s their last night, and then they’re headed off tomorrow. There’ll be a shindig in the barn.”

Another dance, a long time ago. Dina warm in her arms, Ellie’s legs shaky because of all the eyes on her.

Seth—

She gritted her teeth.

“Cool.”

“You’ll come, won’t you?”

“I don’t know if I’m invited,” Ellie said. It sounded like a joke, but it wasn’t funny to her ears.

“Ask Maria, I’m sure it’s fine.”

“It’s been a long time, kiddo.”

“So? You’re family.”

Ellie hesitated. She had a small red tag from Ryan, the gunkeep, to get her preferred gear back.

It wasn’t part of the town’s supply, so it went in a separate locker.

She pocketed the stub.

“I gotta go,” Andrew said. “I’ll see you at the dance!”

Andrew ran off.

She walked on.

#

The diner was busy as it ever was. Folks packed at the railing, talking, eating, laughing, arguing. Inside looked crowded. Her heart picked up thinking about being in that crowd. Wondering how she’d react to Seth’s bullshit.

She wondered where Tommy was.

She followed the path towards the diner, hesitated near the doors. No one inside noticed her, but a couple of the folks on the patio cast her a look. She knew them, they knew her, but she wasn’t who left. She didn’t know how to step back into this world.

She kept on down the path around the diner. She couldn’t catch a glimpse of Maria through the windows.

Ellie wound up around back. There was a heavy metal dumpster, both plastic lids thrown back, half-full. No one back here, having a smoke.

She paced, slowly, trying to weigh her options—

“Ellie?”

Ellie whipped around—

Maria stood at the back door, sleeves rolled up, hair pulled back, heavy bag of trash in hand.

“Hey.” Ellie stood up straight. She couldn’t keep Maria’s eyes.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. I mean. Yeah. I’m fine.”

“When’d you get back?” Maria heaved the bag into the dumpster, wiped her hands on the backs of her jeans.

“Just now. Not long.”

“Did you kill her?”

Ellie looked away. She sniffed. “She’s gone.”

“That’s not a yes or no answer.” Maria took a couple of steps towards her. Ellie didn’t run, she didn’t flinch, she just grew very still.

“Any idea where Tommy is?”

“He’s, uh. He’s staying out by the barns. Spends most of his time around the horses.”

“You two didn’t make up?”

“Not much to make up about. There was a real clear understanding between us, and so long as that remained unresolved,” she shrugged.

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m torn. I’m inclined to blame you. I want to blame Joel,” Maria started pacing, slowly. “I wanna tear your goddamn head off. Kinda wanna tear apart the lady put a bullet in Tommy’s head.”

“I didn’t.” Ellie said, looking at the ground.

“Didn’t, what?”

“Finish it.”

“Well now.” Maria crossed her arms. “That sounds like a conundrum.”

“I tried. Had a chance. I just,” Ellie didn’t know how to explain it.

“I didn’t spare a lotta people for this trip,” she said. “I didn’t want the casualties. I got ‘em anyway.”

“I wish Jesse was here, instead of me.”

“Dying’s easy, kid.” Maria turned towards the diner. “You gotta figure out how to live.”

“Where’s Dina.”

“I’m not sure it’s real wise for you to check in on her.”

“I’m not trying to restart something. I just. I need to see her.”

“Do you?” Maria faced her. “And what does she need?”

The answer came to Ellie without thinking, but she hesitated, unsure if it was what Dina wanted, or if it was what Ellie wanted _for_ Dina.

“Room.”

“Hmm.” Maria said. “We got a strong farmin’ commune growing north a here. She’n JJ are there, with some others.”

Maria ducked back inside, and Ellie walked.

#

It didn’t take much to find Tommy. He had a nook on the side of the stables. A bed, bathroom, little kitchen, and a table. He was on the dusty porch picking at a guitar.

He didn’t have his brother’s grace with it, and after getting shot, there were some things that were just plain harder to do.

He didn’t hear her come up, saw her long shadow on the dirt by his feet, and glanced in her direction.

“Ellie?” His voice was a whisper. “That you?”

She nodded. “Hey.”

“You’re back! You came back!”

She shrugged.

He came to his feet, set the guitar down too hard, lurched towards her for a hug. She caught him, kept him upright. She smelled whiskey. Not that she blamed him.

“Well? Tell me what happened.”

“Can we go inside?”

“Sure, sure,” he turned slowly, his bad leg seemed worse today, and limped through the door. He pulled a chair away from the table, and took the only remaining one. “You want a drink?”

She considered. “Nah. Not yet. Maybe later.”

He poured himself a tall one, sat down across from her, his eye focused on hers. “Well? Did you find her?”

“Yeah,” she nodded slowly.

“In Santa Barbara.”

“That’s right. Her and the boy.”

“They were still together?”

“Yeah, last I saw.”

“Well. That’s a bit of a shame, but it’s hard growing up without your folks.”

“They weren’t related.”

“So? You weren’t blood to my brother, but he risked the world to save your life.”

“I hated that he did.” She looked away.

“He loved you.”

“I know,” her voice caught. “I just. What am I supposed to say? It wasn’t my choice. Then or now.”

“Some choices a parent’s gotta make for a kid.”

“Do you know what it _cost_?”

“Don’t talk to me about cost, Ellie. His choice cost _me_ more than you can imagine.”

She opened and closed her hands. Her left hand ached mightily, her stumps throbbed with every movement.

“What happened to your hand?”

“Abby.”

“Well. That’s unfortunate. But you still got your strummin’ fingers, so. Learning to play left handed isn’t the worst thing in the world.”

“No. I guess not.”

“How’d you kill her? I gotta know, kiddo. Did you make it last?”

“Almost drowned her.” Ellie looked at the wall. All she could see was Lev, skinny and sunburned, younger than he had any right to be, barely conscious of Ellie holding a knife to his throat.

Had it been Nora? When the switch had flipped and suddenly she could do to them what had been done to her?

When did Lev become part of that deal?

He hadn’t been in the cabin. He hadn’t wanted to put her in the dirt.

It had been him that convinced Abby not to cut Dina open ear to ear.

Her ears were ringing and her hand trembled and she looked back at Tommy and realized she hadn’t heard a word he’d said.

“You tapped out,” Tommy said.

“Sorry.”

“What happened? What’d you do?” He was eager to know. She hated how eager. She hated that she wanted him for wanting this.

“Do you sleep?”

“What?”

“You get through the nights?”

“Whiskey helps,” he said. “Makes the nightmares less frequent.”

That didn’t seem like a solution. Eventually you’d have to sober up.

She didn’t want to be drunk to sleep. She wanted to hear Dina’s soft breathing, the little snores JJ made on his back. She wanted to know they were alive and warm and living next to her.

She opened and closed her left hand.

“I couldn’t.” She said.

“What?” He angled his head. “Couldn’t what?”

“I couldn’t kill her. I got no idea where she went. I don’t intend to ask.”

“You went all that way, you were gone all that time, to not kill her?”

“Yeah.” It was limp, it was a nothing answer, it was true.

He put the glass down. Leaned back. “You talk to Maria? She put you up to this somehow?”

“It ain’t a joke, Tommy.”

“Nah, I hoped it wouldn’t be a joke, listening to you tell me how you _let_ the girl who butchered my brother and crippled _me_ walk away like it was nothing.”

His anger filled the room, he didn’t stand but he clutched the edge of the table, his face contorted with the effort of it, “You let her _go?_ ”

“I got no answer for you, Tommy. I got no answer for Joel, or Dina, or anybody.”

“Well. Now that’s interesting. Ain’t never seen anybody go through what we did, and come back a coward.”

“Crawl into your bottle, old man.” Ellie stood up, stepped out the door before he could respond.

She had no idea how _strong_ the stench in there had been until she caught a breath of fresh air and shook off the fumes.

She walked.

#

The sun was at the horizon when she got to the farm. The trail was easy to follow, and she’d gotten her weapons back from the gunkeep before she’d headed through the gate once more.

The farm was expansive, surrounded by tall, sharp fences. Different crops grew in different patches of land.

The house was lit up, and she heard a record playing inside. She heard laughter, too.

She hitched her pack up, and approached, heart beating somewhere in her stomach.

On the porch, a dog began barking. It didn’t rush out at her, just stood, pointed, and barked at her. The laughter stopped, a moment later Jake, followed close behind by Annie, stepped into sight.

Jake had a shotgun in one hand, but the barrel was low.

“Who’s out there?”

“Ellie,” her voice broke.

“Ellie? Goddamn, it’s been a long while. What’re you doin’ out here this time of day?”

“Looking for Dina. Maria said she was out here.”

“Dina’s in the barn, with JJ. You got business?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well. If we hear shooting, we’ll know why.”

“Yeah.”

Ellie followed the foot path around the house towards a tall, broad barn. The lights were on, and inside she heard Dina talking to JJ.

Ellie’s mouth dried up, she hesitated near the barn’s entrance, when she heard Dina start whistling. It was one of the songs she’d written, something she played in the long nights while Dina was up before she’d given birth.

Ellie closed her eyes, struggling to keep her composure—

“Ellie?” Dina’s voice was a whisper, an unanswered prayer breathed by a broken heart.

Ellie opened her eyes. Dina’d let her hair grow out, but that was the only difference. She had the sling around her shoulder, and JJ laid there, nestled against her heart.

“Yeah. It’s me.”

Dina put her hand to her mouth, and her eyes watered. Ellie hesitated. There was only five feet between them, but it was a gap she couldn’t cross.

“I thought,” Dina sniffed. “I made myself clear when you left. I wasn’t going through this again.”

“You did. I didn’t come to ask for a chance.”

“Oh?”

Ellie tugged at the bracelet. “I didn’t know if you wanted this back.”

“I’m surprised it made the trip.”

“I couldn’t throw it away.” Ellie focused on it. She could breathe if she didn’t focus on Dina.

“Well, I kind of appreciate that. It’s an heirloom.”

“I didn’t know.”

“I mean, it’s not, but it will be for JJ.”

Ellie smiled, her eyes closed.

“What happened?”

“I couldn’t do it.” Ellie’s lip trembled. “I tried. I really tried, but,” she couldn’t explain herself. She didn’t know how to give voice to the way it felt, the thing that broke in her when Abby struggled under the water. The pain in her hand, the brokenness in her heart.

“I couldn’t kill her. She took a boat with the kid and left. I don’t know where they went. I’m not gonna find out.”

“That’s good. Healthy, probably.”

“I tried to figure out what I wanted to say, on the way back. But. I couldn’t figure it out.”

“There was no song that made sense?”

Ellie looked up, Dina had a little smile. A tease of one.

Ellie shook her head. “No. It was just. Pain.” She held up her left hand.

Dina reached for her, stopped herself, lowered her hand. Ellie closed her hand and put it back in her pocket.

“That looks painful.”

“It was.”

Ellie took a deep breath and then in a rush, “Look, I won’t ask for you back, okay? You deserve someone whole. Unbroken. Someone who’s gonna be a good mom to JJ and I don’t know if I’m gonna be good to anybody. I just wanted you to know that I survived.” Tears streamed down her face. “I told Tommy and he fuckin’ hates me but I’m honestly okay with that because I can’t live with this anymore, Dina.”

“That’s good.” Dina nodded, rocked JJ gently, who cooed at her chest. “I mean it. That’s a good attitude.”

“And,” Ellie wiped her eyes roughly. “On the way back, I decided I just wanted to help things grow. I thought about what I’d do next, my role if Maria would have me back. I don’t want to hunt people anymore. I just. I wanna try and do something useful.”

Dina stared at her, glanced away, eyes wet.

“How long you prepare that?”

“I didn’t.” Ellie said. “I was comin’ back through the mountains and I followed this deer into a meadow. And it was just, full of flowers, like. Real beautiful shit. And I’d probably seen it, going out but I didn’t notice it.”

She reached into the back pouch on her pack, something she could reach without shrugging the pack off, and pulled her sketchbook. She opened it to a page with a flattened flower on it.

“I haven’t seen one like that before,” Dina said. Ellie handed it gently to her, and Dina took it in her hand.

Their finger brushed against each other’s but Ellie pulled back.

Dina held the flower in her hand, and JJ hummed, reached for her fingers. Dina turned the flower, and JJ touched it, sniffed, and then sneezed.

Dina handed it back, Ellie held her journal open for it.

“I’ll, uh. Get out of your hair.” Ellie said. “I gotta go talk to Maria, see if there’s even room for me.”

The question was unasked, and it hung in the air between them. Dina’s brows came together as she thought hard about it.

Ellie didn’t wait for an answer. “I just wanted you to know.” She turned.

She started down the hill when—

“Wait.”

She turned. Dina walked towards her.

“Do you mean it?”

“Mean what?”

“Wanting to help things grow.”

Ellie looked at JJ, and then at the ground.

“I don’t want anyone to go through what I did. What we did. I don’t wanna be an old woman and see my kids come through the door scarred and missing fingers and hollowed out by what they’d done. I don’t wanna end up like Tommy.”

Dina nodded slowly.

“I left your stuff because I didn’t know if you were coming home. I wasn’t going to keep a light on for a ghost.”

“I don’t blame you.”

“I want a life, too. I wanted a farm because I wanted space for a kid, and room to grow with someone who wanted to grow old with me.”

“Like Eugene.”

“Like Eugene.” Dina said.

“Old and horny and with a weed stash in the basement.”

“We have farmland, we don’t need a basement.”

Ellie smiled. Her muscles felt stiff with the action. It hadn’t happened in a while.

“Dina?” Ellie whispered.

Dina softened, her lip trembled. She shook her head slowly.

“I’m _sorry_ ,” Ellie’s voice was raspy. “I was wrong.” She choked on the weight of it, the immensity of the pain in her chest, the lump in her throat she couldn’t dislodge, the shame and disappoint because of the choice, how she’d—

Dina took a fist full of Ellie’s plaid button down, and _pulled_ Ellie into her arms. Ellie locked her arms around Dina, buried her face in Dina's neck, weeping silently, unable to stop herself.

Dina cried, and they clutched each other as tight as they dared with little JJ between them.

“I can’t forgive you yet,” Dina cried into Ellie’s shoulder. “But if you stay, I’ll get there.”

“I won’t leave,” Ellie wanted to collapse, she couldn’t hold Dina tight enough, she rested her hand JJ’s head, and the little toddler cooed up at her.

Ellie held them tight, and did not let go.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! sorry it's so rough. I hope this gives you some catharsis <3  
> As always, you can holler at me on tumblr or twitter, both @ thejollywriter


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